God’s new tariff on sins means animal sacrifices are necessary for complete forgiveness

 

April 23rd, God announced that he was placing an increased tariff on all sins, errors, and transgressions coming into his Kingdom. The world will have to pay double in order to import forgiveness for wrong-doing.

“God was tired of bankrolling all of humanity. It was a non-stop drain on his time. Everything required the blood of Christ. People need to start pitching in on the cleansing of their sins,” Tobias, the lead angel of Heaven’s economics said.

On April 24th God rolled out a test tariff, increasing the price of gluttony and greed by 20%. America threatened to take God’s name off the dollar bill if he raised it one-percent more.

“The Jesus thing was working,” Tobias explained, “But it cut into a lot of God’s free time. The almighty had no time for hobbies. It’s time for humanity to pick up the slack.”

Already bulls and lamb distributors have a three month waiting list for animal sacrifices. McDonald’s has loaned one of their slaughter centers for purification purposes. Taco Bell vows to loan out their slaughter centers as soon as they add real meat to the menu.

“We are going to see a 100% raise in pride and a 30% raise in lust targeting countries with the most Only Fans’ models. We project that by 2030, humanity will have sacrificed enough pigeons, rams, and bulls to cover 1/64 of the sins committed, but conversely Heaven will have so much less stress,” Tobias offered.

God is not backing down on these tariffs, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 “God is ready to go to the negotiating table for any human that wants to follow all his laws perfectly.”